if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i think my mom watched the whole time
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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