im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
