Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
