I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
