Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
