My friends, they love my intelligence
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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