Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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