Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
