if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
