Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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