I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
