I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
