Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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