phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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