M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
