We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
