so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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