I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
