My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
