it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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