I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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