I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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