my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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