does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
