The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
