it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
