He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
