I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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