last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
