you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
