the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
