I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
