Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Randomize
