We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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