Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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