i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
