I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
