dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
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