don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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