birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Houston, we have a squirter
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
