I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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