her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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