I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
