He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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