I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
