I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
