Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
