I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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