I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
