So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
