Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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