you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
