I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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